I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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