gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
No more Irish car bombs ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
