I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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