I think I won the penis lottery.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize