Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
