I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
