Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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