My Higher Power is John Stamos
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
