My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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