I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
