i just wanna soil my oats bro
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
