Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
