I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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