if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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