I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
