What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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