About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
