we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
