I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
