rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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