When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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