I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
