2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
