I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize