It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
