I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
They are going to name an STD after you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
