So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
