So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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