I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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