There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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