He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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