oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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