I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
