do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
