I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
