so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
