I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
