If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
