Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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