Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
