I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
