well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
