They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
