i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
