I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I didn't notice because vodka
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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