don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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