my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
