another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
