Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
