i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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