She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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