I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize