can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If that was your dad, he is hot
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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