so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
ttyl tear gas
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
