So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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