this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
