well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
