fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
